In what could be a mortal blow to Elon Musk and Tesla there are rumours Labour are joining forces with Kia to create a new car that could eclipse EV’s. The new ‘Kia Starmer’ is said to run on liquid manure with each tank full giving it a range of over thirty miles before it needs a top up. The good news is that it uses no fossil fuels, and Labour’s capacity to produce first rate manure knows no limits. The main downside is the stench emitted by the Starmer.
Another downside is the top speed. Our Labour minder told us it was around 20 mph but pointed out the upside meant you would never breach any speed limit, undoubtedly a plus if you live in Wales and if Labour introduce 20 mph speed restrictions in England too.
ReformCentral were invited to a secret location somewhere near Runcorn where the vehicle is being tested by Labour Party activists. Apparently, Labour hope news of production plans will help their cause in the forthcoming by-election. Although we were told the intended marketing slogan ”It really packs a punch!’ has been dropped due to local sensitivities.
We were allowed to test drive the new vehicle and discovered quite a few teething problems.
Despite the promise of luxury, the cars interior is poorly designed. The dashboard is badly laid out and the temperature warning light is either malfunctioning or indicating something is about to blow. Although the Kia Starmer has plenty of seats the support is lacking and it’s easy to imagine knocking the stuffing out of them with just a little pressure.
There’s worse to come though. As configured, the windscreen weirdly distorts the drivers view making it look as though everything is coming at you from the far-right causing you to veer left. That’s downright dangerous. We asked our Labour minder about this and were told it’s built in and known as “the Labour List.”
As to the other defects we mentioned, our Labour minder conceded there were issues but reassured us “skilled British toolmakers are working flat-out to overcome some of the design flaws” and added Sir Keir is particularly engaged in this, “did you know his Dad was a toolmaker.”
We were uncertain about the design. It certainly has a look of a much older car. Again we were told it was intentional and the look was supposed to evoke fond memories of the old Soviet and East German cars of the 1980’s. Our Labour minder became particularly excited about the ‘classic’ design. “Wouldn’t it be great if somehow we could have great classic looking cars on our roads just like Cuba… it’s so cool over there and you know what they hardly use any petrol now. I mean look at the latest figures… they’ve hit zero carbon.”
The Kia Starmer is likely to be available in a wide range of colours to reflect the diversity of Labour. We were told the options to be voted on by the Labour membership were: Engels Red, Corbyn Red, Basic Instinct Ginger, Reeves In the Red, Red Ken, and Gramsci Red. They seemed stumped when we pointed out these were all variations of one colour and after some consultation revealed a very pale (more pinkish) ‘Streeting Red’ was being considered along with ‘Greta Red’ (predominately red but with a broad green stripe).
We were perplexed by the logo ‘Liebour‘ on the side of the prototype and asked what that meant. We were told it was a play on the word Labour so people didn’t associate the car with them whilst being tested. When we suggested that people might indeed associate the ‘lie’ spelling with Labour’s broken promise, our Labour handler was non-plussed. “You mean people might associate Labour with lying? You’re joking right?”
The notion that Kia would work with Labour to add such a deficient car (new fuel technology withstanding) to their existing range of quality cars seemed unlikely to us. And so it proved. A quick phone call confirmed our suspicions. Kia have no such plans. When we told our Labour handler this he appeared unconcerned claiming other manufacturers would be delighted to consider turning the prototype into a reality. Like who? Finally after a few minutes scratching his head came the answer, “er Jaguar maybe, perhaps….”
